Shamelessness

I have been toying with writing about this for some time now because it’s an aspect of life today that bothers me. My problem is that I dislike people of my age going on about how everything was better in the past, because it really wasn’t. It was different, and in some ways it was considerably worse, but in this respect I think it was different in a way that was better than it is now. 

I am talking about shamelessness. By which I mean people who are caught out and exposed for something they should not have done and who then try to brazen it out and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.  I won’t name names. You will know all those I had in mind.

I have been trying to make sense of why that might be, but first we need to talk about shame itself. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody gets things wrong, everybody lies from time to time, sometimes for good reasons, and most people hope that they won’t be found out. If they do get found out, then feeling shamefaced usually results in some form of admission of fault accompanied by an apology, and maybe also accompanied by a promise not to do it again. That’s how it operates with children, does it not? And, until fairly recently that was how it operated for people in public life, but apparently for some, anyway, those rules no longer apply to them. 

What we are talking about here are the rules of the game wherever you find yourself. It may be within your country, your organisation, your hometown or your social group. We are also talking about the prevailing culture of that place. Culture is very simply ‘the way we do things around here’ and most people have a vested interest in finding out what those ways are so that they fit in. They may involve special rules for women and young girls (especially around sex). They may have a religious overtone so that hellfire will be the punishment, they may be wrapped up in social class or pecking orders. Simply put, culture is about all the societal norms of the place where you live and work.

I’ll give you, as an example, how I was brought up. My family lived in a small rural town where everyone knew everyone else. It wasn’t a religious community; church attendance was very low. But, as in any place, there was a pecking order. My parents owned a significant business in the town and that status was important, especially to my mother. The last time I wrote about ‘standards’ in dress, I was accused of sounding like Hyacinth Bouquet, which stung, probably because it held a modicum of truth. My mother closely ‘policed’ both my appearance and my behaviour outside the home. The message was clear. I was not to bring ‘shame’ on the family by anything (she deemed) inappropriate. When my brother (who wasn’t a goody two shoes like me) was caught as a teenager shooting pellets from an air rifle at pigeons on the church roof, his departure aged eighteen as a £10 Pom for Australia was greeted as something of a relief. I also left at 18 to the blessed anonymity of London and, unlike my brother, I never went back there to live.

Until very recently there was an unspoken code of honour amongst people in the public eye. It has been described by the historian, Peter Hennessey, as ‘The Good Chaps Theory’ which is a tacit understanding that there are some things that you (whether male or female) just shouldn’t do. This obviously refers to an unwritten code of behaviour for conduct in public life and it bestows a great deal of trust that the prominent person accepts that code and lives their professional life according to its rules. The Good Chaps Theory seems to have completely broken down and a breathtaking level of shamelessness has entered public life in a number of areas, including politics, sport and show business.

And these are some of the ways that the Good Chaps Theory has been undermined:

1. Firstly, believe that the ‘rules of the game’ don’t apply to you. From experience, or maybe from personality, you feel yourself to be special and therefore very different from most ordinary mortals.
2. Identify those individuals who might prevent you from doing what you want or who might expose your wrongdoing. They may have titles like ‘ethics advisor’ or may have years of experience which doesn’t fit with your beliefs. Undermine, sideline or sack them.
3. Surround yourself with people who admire you and agree with you. These will be your ‘useful fools’ who will do your bidding. If you tell them that white is pink, they will reliably go out into the world to argue in the teeth of contrary evidence that pink is the only colour.
4. If you get found out, construct a false narrative to fit your version of events. Lie, in other words. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, insist that your belief is the correct one. Minimise the extent of your error as much as possible by painting yourself as the real victim  Above all, never apologise other than to say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
5. Find as many others to blame as you can when you are finally caught out. Claim that it was their fault for not warning you that what you were doing was wrong. Humiliate them publicly so that everyone can see how ill-served you were by their advice.
6. If necessary, resort to conspiracy theories and throw in some references to something dark and sinister like the ‘blob’, the ‘elites’, something ‘woke’ or the ‘deep state’. If you find yourself on the wrong side of the law, talk about ‘witch hunts’ and ‘kangaroo courts’.
7. When finally removed from your position, show no humility or shame whatsoever. Stick to your belief that you did absolutely nothing wrong, for all the reasons above.
8. After a brief period of adjustment, start a process of rehabilitation to prove that you still have much to offer, perhaps with some high-profile speeches and guest appearances in front of a supportive audience.
9. Realise with gratification that there are people who still believe in you. This may allow you to monetize your brand to great effect.
10. Plot your return to the public arena. Before long you may well be back where you rightfully belong, proving that your period in the wilderness was an aberration and you were right to take no personal responsibility or to show a scintilla of shame or remorse.

Do I feel a sneaking admiration for such chutzpah, such brass neck as someone who was made to feel shame as a teenager just for wearing the jeans my mother disapproved of? No, It’s not admiration I feel, but rather amazement that such people have the skin of the toughest, oldest rhinoceros. To be clear, I am not advocating a return to shaming people by denouncing them from the pulpit or pilloring them in the town square, which nowadays actually happens on platforms like Facebook or Twitter. I am talking about people feeling shame because they accept that they have done wrong, they have owned up and taken responsibility for their wrongdoing, and then apologised to those people most hurt by their actions.

The trouble with shamelessness in powerful, high profile people is that it breeds contempt for and erodes trust in anything and everything that protects ordinary people like you and me. Quite apart from the example it sets, It leads to attacks on institutions, the rule of law, courts and lawyers, the free press, experts of any shade and, ultimately, democracy itself. For most of my life I have looked up to and respected those who sought prominent positions in society. I believed that most acted with integrity and to the best of their ability. I felt confidence in a system that meant that, if found to be wanting, they would resign and withdraw from public life. No longer. 

There is a saying ‘Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.’ Ultimately shamelessness shames us all.

Tricia x

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