Photo of Trica Cusden

Have you bought and wrapped all your Christmas presents yet? Well, good for you if you have, and better get a move on if, like me, you haven’t! And what about your personal Christmas wish list this year? Mine would include world peace and goodwill to all mankind, but if Santa can’t quite manage that, then a subscription to the Artists and Illustrators Magazine would be very welcome as I struggle with my latest obsession, drawing and painting portraits of my grandchildren in watercolour.

On Christmas Day this year I will have been alive for 77 years. Think of all the very many birthday and Christmas presents I’ve received in that time, and yet only two really remain with me, one glorious and one diabolical.

The glorious one is the stuff of childhood wish fulfillment. It was Christmas Day 1952, my fifth birthday. Many things were still rationed and money was also in short supply in our family but, happily for me, caring was not. I desperately wanted a pretty party dress, probably because, like lots of little girls, I believed in fairy tales and princesses. I woke up at 4 a.m in a cold, dark house and called my mum. I begged and begged her to let me open just one of my presents and then I promised that I’d go back to sleep. I have no idea where it came from or how my parents had afforded it, but the present I unwrapped that Christmas morning was the dress of my dreams.

The diabolical gift was a present from my soon to be ex-husband more than thirty years ago.. It was a Sabbatier carving knife, which was a strange gift in too many ways to document, not least because he was the one who carved the roast every Sunday, not me. Consciously or subconsciously it was a metaphor for the severing of empathy, kindness and understanding which had happened in our marriage, although he might characterise the gift as a metaphor for my stabbing him in the back. Who knows? Suffice it to say that within the following year we separated for good and I shall never forget how I felt when I opened that long thin parcel on Christmas morning.

Those two are very contrasting memories of the significance we attach to Christmas gifts and also a reminder of the minefield that both giving and receiving those gifts can be.

 

Expectations and Traditions

Many families have traditions which shape expectations at Christmas. In some families there are ‘main’ presents and ‘stocking fillers’, but, over time those fillers can morph from an orange, some nuts and a tube of Smarties into a much more costly silver charm for that Pandora bracelet you bought a couple of years ago, and gradually the cost, along with the expectations can go up. And what happens when circumstances change? 

I know of a tradition in one family where the parents gave a substantial cheque to each of their three children at Christmas. Very gratefully received when the offspring were struggling young adults, but as they became older and more affluent, it was the parents who were struggling on a limited income, but reluctant to have a difficult conversation with their kids about reducing the amount of money they could afford.

 

Differential Incomes

A similar problem can arise in families where there are (sometimes considerable) disparities in income between different family members. This can be the source of huge embarrassment when you open a gift from cousin Mary of a luxurious cashmere scarf when you know that she is about to open a box of Bendicks Bittermints from you. 

This challenge had created all sorts of problems for one family I know and was eventually resolved when some brave soul suggested a Secret Santa with a strict limit of £50 per person, per gift. Now, for the adults, there’s just one gift to buy, no-one needs to be financially embarrassed, and everyone gets just one really nice present.

 

Gratitude Gaps

Some people are really bad at covering the disappointment they feel when opening gifts. Maybe you have put considerable effort into choosing something for a loved one and are quite excited to see how they will receive it. In the event the reaction is not what you were hoping for and you know that you have made a terrible mistake. There can be hurt feelings all round if you are not really careful, so always keep or give gift receipts and quickly say “I wasn’t at all sure about that for you, so please take it back and change it - I really don’t mind at all.”  

And sometimes people are what I think of as ‘low reactors’ and they barely show any enthusiasm or interest in any presents they receive. Don’t take it personally, just accept that it says much more about them than it does about you or your generosity.

 

Grandchildren

This can be the source of a lot of resentment and comparison on the part of the grandparents. We inevitably remember how few presents we may have had back in the day and how assiduously our parents wrote down who gave us what, and would then insist that we sit down after Christmas to laboriously write a thank you letter in our best handwriting to every person who had bothered to buy us a gift. It sometimes feels as though the more our grandchildren are indulged, the less they appreciate what they are given. 

My grandchildren do all write thank you cards for their birthday and Christmas presents every year, probably because my daughters know the importance the older generation attaches to such niceties. However, now the grandchildren are teenagers, I am perfectly happy with a verbal “thank you Granny” as long as, at the very least, they do actually remember to acknowledge my act of generosity twice a year on their birthdays and Christmas.

 

Receiving Gifts in Older Age

The older I get, the less I want ‘stuff’. Very best are consumables or experiences.  Every year I solve the impossible problem of what to give my two sons-in-law (who want for absolutely nothing) by going to a local specialist shop called Hamish Johson and buying them several interesting cheeses. I go as near to Christmas as possible and queue up with all the other punters and choose the cheeses that each has told me are their favourites. 

I don’t want cheese, but I do love luxurious bath stuff, perfume, good chocolates (well, it is Christmas), and plants or flowers. I also love tickets to something theatrical, dinner at a really special restaurant and subscriptions to my favourite magazines, currently Strong Words which comes out every other month and reliably recommends the very best new books to read, and Artists and Illustrators (see above).

 

Wrapping it all up.

I have rather exacting standards when it comes to present wrapping. I just feel that part of the process of gift giving involves a beautifully wrapped offering. And, let’s face it, even boring old socks can be transformed with lovely festive paper, some ribbon and a bow on top. I remember a small gorgeous looking present when I was a child which was under the tree with my name on it and which intrigued me for days. It turned out to be a rather disappointing felt needle case, but it taught me the importance of creating a bit of mystery and excitement with the wrapping. 

Part of my Christmas tradition is putting on Carols at Kings on the radio on Christmas Eve at 3pm and painstakingly wrapping all my gifts whilst listening to that beautiful choral music. Satisfying on so many levels, especially when it’s all done for another year and everything looks beautiful.

So this week I’d better get myself organised and find out what’s on everyone’s wish list for this Christmas. I’m fortunate in having a relatively small family to indulge with about three or four extra ‘token’ presents to buy for people I like to acknowledge. Whenever I feel stressed about it, I try very hard to remember the way that exchanging gifts with people you love creates some of the magic of Christmas.   

Who can forget that wonderful moment when, as a child you spied the wrapped presents at the end of your bed and woke the whole house with cries of “Father Christmas has been!”

And talking of wonderful moments, I’ve had one every morning this week when I have checked the donations to our Christmas Appeal which have surpassed my wildest dreams. Click here to read about the appeal and how you, too, can help.

 

Tricia x


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