
For most people Christmas shines as a beacon of light and joy in the midst of the deepest darkest midwinter gloom. For me, it marks the end or perhaps the beginning of another year of life. Birthdays are rarely without significance for human beings. As a child and teenager they mark rites of passage and of growing up. As an adult they become milestones of either progress or failure to do so. And in older age they become markers of longevity and sheer survival.
My birthday on Christmas Day this year finds me in a reflective mood, possibly because in February for a brief while, I couldn’t be sure whether I would reach that milestone or not.
Happily my suspected ovarian cancer and the concerns about the dodgy results of various tests on my liver have all proved unfounded, so, hopefully there is life in this old girl yet. The great thing about a life and death reality check is that it makes you question everything, but in a good way, because hopefully it provides some answers to important questions about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Here are my reflections on those questions.
My body.
I was going to say my health but I realised that health is entirely dependent on the functioning of both the body and the mind. This year I have lost around 10kg of weight, primarily in order to get rid of the visceral fat on my liver. I followed the Mosley regime of 800 calories a day for 3 months. It was tough at the start because I found it difficult to cope with the hunger at night, but my motivation to feel a lot better, both less bloated and uncomfortable, was so strong that I never wavered.
Happily it has worked and my symptoms have gradually lessened and all but disappeared. I know that this way of eating, with some additional calories from protein and plant based foods, is for the rest of my life. So be it, because everything feels and looks so much better, including my stomach, my skin and my clothes.
My mind.
For about eight years I have suffered from periodic bouts of acute anxiety. I kind of know why but can only deal with the symptoms rather than the cause. The attacks appear out of the blue and last for maybe two weeks or so and are then gone again until the next time. However, gradually, and once more with the help of Michael Mosley’s ‘Just One Thing’ series, I have learnt how to use a specific deep breathing technique to deal with the awful feelings.
Literally no-one knows that I’m suffering, because, whether I am on an underground train or in the middle of the theatre or cinema, I become conscious of my breathing and alter it until the anxiety subsides. I also know that eventually the acute distress that I feel will subside, and I have a sense that I’ll be dealing with this for the rest of my life, but at least I have a way of calming myself that works for me.
My family.
Without doubt, my family is the source of most of the joy that I feel about still being alive. Three of my grandchildren are now teenagers of 14, 15 and 16 years of age. Yes, they typically have their heads buried in a piece of technology, but when they do look up and engage with me and the world around them, they are delightful and interesting people for whom I have a lot of time. They give me lots of hope for the future, which, let’s face it, is ultimately going to be in their hands.
India, my special granddaughter, is about to become a teenager too, and is now in a happy and settled place. She attends a residential school to which she is taken by taxi every Monday morning and from which she comes home at the weekend. This placement was extremely hard won by her mum, Suzy, but it has really paid off, because India is happy and her complex needs are being met in the best way possible. And, to boot, she tells me that she has a boyfriend called Leo!
Which just leaves my youngest grandchild Matilda who is a delightful conundrum. At eight she’s working out who she wants to be and I hope I am still around to see how she resolves that puzzle in the years to come.
Look Fabulous Forever.
Although I have relinquished all day to day control, my life is still irrevocably bound up with Look Fabulous Forever. I still make lots of videos, pose for masses of photographs, speak to various people and write all sorts of copy, including this weekly blog. And I love every minute of those things because they are very enjoyable and I feel that I am making a positive contribution.
However what I don’t enjoy is the constant challenge of being involved with two businesses in the current economic environment, which has been tough for some time.
Happily, over the past eleven years, I have become more and more philosophical and better and better able to get a sense of perspective. It helps that I have two amazing daughters who know what they are doing and an excellent team of good people who are all doing their best. I’m not sure how long I will continue doing what I do, but, for now I am very happy doing it.
My passions
Bridge came into my life this year on February 14th, just as I was experiencing considerable pain and discomfort in my middle bit. I therefore associate it both with that worrying period of blood tests and scans and the subsequent three months of severe calorie restriction. Being absorbed in such a difficult game really helped to take my mind off my physical discomfort and I continue to find my weekly sessions of Bridge the most wonderful way to totally switch off from any cares or worries I might have.
My latest obsession is to draw and paint portraits thanks to watching around eight series, each of ten hour-long programmes, of the Sky Arts Portrait Artist of the Year competition.
Watching this has taught me so much, including the fact that there are myriad ways to use many different media to create a true likeness of another human being. Like Bridge, drawing and painting demands my complete attention in a way that I find both enjoyable and relaxing.
The World.
My honest evaluation of the world is that we are in a dreadful muddle and wherever you look the very worst human beings are in charge. However, if I have learnt anything from being alive for 77 years, it is to realise that ‘’twas ever thus’. My response to this horror show is to disengage from those parts of it over which I have absolutely no control.
Like a lot of older people I do worry about the future of our planet, especially for what we are bequeathing to our grandchildren. But, again, there really is no point in projecting those fears onto the future because it (whatever ‘it’ is) may not happen in the way that we expect. As I won’t be around, the best I can hope for is that wiser people with good hearts and benign, rather than malign intentions, will ultimately prevail. And, maybe, in the future pigs might develop wings.
Reflections
Looking back, I can see that the confrontation I had with my own mortality offered me a moment to reevaluate my entire life. It forced me to ask questions about what I’m doing with my time, how happy and satisfied I am with my day to day existence, and whether my body and mind are both in a fit state to sustain me going forward. As I approach a birthday that I briefly thought that I might not reach, I feel that my reflections have allowed me to answer most of those questions in a satisfactory way.
Only three sleeps to go now and I hope that you, like me, will be happily celebrating with loved ones over a plate of turkey and brussels sprouts (if that is your thing). I wish you and your nearest and dearest the very happiest of days and, if it’s your birthday too, then I hope you have very many happy returns of the day.
Thank you all for your brilliant company this year, whether as a customer of LFF, as a Super Trooper or for the comments you write under this blog, which give me the heart to carry on writing it.
A Very Happy Christmas To Every One of You!
Tricia x
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